Letting Go of Judgments Mini-workbook

DBTSkillsCoaching.com

A Division of DBTWise, LLC

How to Use this Workbook: You can divide this workbook into sections if that works best for you. You can print it and write out the answers to the exercises or you can keep your answers separate either in a word processing document on your computer or on paper. Perhaps you would answer the questions verbally. Whatever works best for you is perfect.

Emotion Mind/Clear Mind

When emotions control your brain you can’t think clearly. When you are overwhelmed with emotions, the planning and analyzing part of the brain shuts down.

When you are not overwhelmed with emotions, you can see the world and events that happen clearly, like a bottle of clear water. Both emotions and logic are necessary to have the true picture. When you are emotionally overwhelmed though, the brain no longer processes information well. It’s like a bottle of water with baking soda coloring the water white or cloudy. This is when you are likely to say words you don’t mean and act in ways you later regret. For example, you hate people, send hostile emails or repeatedly call or text. When you are doing it you are sure it is the thing to do or you don’t care that it’s not the best choice.

When your emotions go down, you have a clear mind again (clear water). When you have a clear mind you can see reality more accurately, see options that you didn’t when you were emotional. When your mind is clear you can consider the consequences of different decisions. The planning part of the brain is reengaged. This is when you say, “Why on earth did I send that hate email to my best friend?” “Why did I rapid dial my ex?” You are thinking clearly again.

Judgments Add to Emotional Suffering

When you make a mistake or don’t achieve something that you wanted, you will likely feel sad or upset. If you lose a friend you will probably be sad. If you judge yourself, then you are adding suffering to your pain. You are adding extra emotion on top of what you are already feeling. You can’t avoid pain, but you can avoid suffering by not judging yourself. It’s difficult to do though. Just saying you won’t judge yourself is a start but is probably not enough.

Willpower

Learning to manage strong emotions is a difficult task, maybe one of the most difficult you ever attempt. Let’s say you sent that raging email or repeatedly called your ex yesterday. Then you woke up this morning and say never again. You will never again act on your emotions. You’ve learned your lesson. How many times have you said this? We’ve all done it. We’ve all said we would go on a diet, eat only 12 potato chips and we’ll always floss our teeth.

This is the willpower method. The willpower method doesn’t work, especially if you have intense emotions that are strong. You can’t really manage emotions long term with just intention and willpower. Getting up in the morning and saying, “I will keep my emotions under control,” is not enough. You can have the very best of intentions and it won’t work. You only have so much willpower and it gets used up pretty quickly. So you’ll need strategies and skills to manage emotions effectively. One of those strategies is letting go of judging.

Judging

The type of judgment that adds to emotional upset is when you compare the way you think things should be and the way they actually are, usually in a negative and emotional way. “She thinks she knows everything.” “She’s thinks she’s better than everyone else.” The key is the intention behind the statement. Negative judging is when you are putting someone down, negatively over-criticizing themselves or others. Saying “I’m a loser” when you don’t achieve a goal would be a judgment.

Statements of fact and preference are not judgments.

If you say, “I like vanilla ice cream better than chocolate,” that is a preference. If you say,“I think blue is prettier than red,” that is a preference. If you say. “This car goes faster than your car,” that is probably based on facts. If you say, “This is the best ice cream ever made,” that is likely a judgment based on emotion not on facts.

Emotionally-charged judging is based on feelings and assumptions. Judgments based on assumptions and emotions add to your emotional upset and cloud your ability to make wise decisions.

For example, let’s say that you are driving down the road and someone cuts in front of you. If you judge the other driver by shaking your fist and saying something like, “You idiot, you think you own the road?” you’ll feel angry. And the more you talk this way the angrier you may get. The more you judge that driver the more your emotion grows. Maybe you speed up and tailgate. “I’ll show him.” Your emotion clouds your thinking. You make decisions that could make the situation much worse for you.

If you say, “That man may be on the way to the hospital for an emergency,” or maybe “He’s upset because his wife just asked him for a divorce and he didn’t even notice me,” then you are likely to be less angry. If you think in more accepting ways you probably feel sympathy for him and then you aren’t upset. It’s better for you to be more compassionate in your thoughts of others.

You don’t really know what is going on with the other driver. You don’t know the facts. Assuming in a judgmental way leads to you being upset and emotional.

That brings up another way that judgments add to emotional suffering. Judgments hide our primary feelings. When we hide our feelings from ourselves it is more difficult for us to manage our emotions. Let’s go back to the example of the man who cuts in front of you on the freeway. Most likely, the first emotion you felt was fear. Anger was likely your second emotion, maybe because you were afraid he could have caused an accident. When you say, “That idiot thinks he owns the road,” that is shorthand for the emotions you experienced and it also hides the emotions. Your statement is about the other person, not how you feel.

So consider this. If you say to yourself, “That man cut in front of me and I was so scared I was going to have an accident. I was furious that he risked our lives that way,” then you are recognizing and labeling your emotions and are saying what you know to be true with no assumptions. Being aware of and accurately labeling emotions is a critical part of managing them effectively. So judging other people interferes with managing your emotions by hiding your primary emotion.

Sometimes judging others might be a way you avoid looking at your own emotions, even though you may not intend to do that. You might say, “He’s a idiot,” as a way of not feeling afraid. You can focus on anger which may make you feel less vulnerable.

Let’s look at another example. Imagine that after many years of being single a good friend gets engaged. You say, “She’s not all that great, I mean look at her, how did she get that great guy?” You are judging her. What emotion is behind that judgment? The emotion you may be feeling is jealousy. You wish it were you. When you judge her you become more upset and don’t really deal with your own feelings. Saying, “That’s really great what happened for her and I really hope it will happen for me soon.” Or “I am scared it will never happen for me,” would be more effective in managing your emotions.

Judging can damage relationships and interfere with a sense of belonging.

When you judge our friends and your co-workers and neighbors and even strangers you are setting yourself apart. Seeing yourself as being better than, less than, or as not belonging creates distance and loneliness. When you do any of those, we are creating emotional pain.

Usually when we judge someone else we are attributing his behavior in a situation or situations to undesirable personality characteristic. If someone starts and stops going to college several times, we might say he was lazy, irresponsible or spoiled or some other negative characteristic. We assume something negative about the individual’s personality when all we really know is that he has started and stopped school several times. The truth is that most people do the best that they can. Maybe he had to stop to earn money or maybe he has an ill relative that he takes care of who took a turn for the worse or maybe there are different reasons each time that make sense.

Judging other people creates reasons to not be friendly and can lead us to be angry with them. Maybe there is someone who is now a good friend of yours. Maybe in the beginning you thought of them in judgmental ways. That probably got in the way of your getting to know them better and finding a good friend.

Another way that judgments cause upset is when you judge events that happen without having the whole picture or recognizing that the picture keeps changing. You might judge one event as bad and react to that, judge another event as good and react to that, and you don’t see the whole picture. Even when life is going good if something difficult happens, and you judge it as horrible, you start an emotional roller coaster. Actually life is full of positive and negative events and some positive events have negative parts. Like graduating from high school. For some people that may be a sad event because they are leaving friends. Graduation may also be a happy event because you are more independent or have plans you are looking forward to. The event is not good or bad. If you express your feelings of both sadness and happiness then that is more accurate and does not add to your emotional reaction.

There is an old story about a farmer and his horses that shows what I mean. This farmer had only one horse, and one day the horse ran away. The neighbors came to console him over his terrible loss. The farmer said, “We will see.”

A month later, the horse came home–this time bringing with her two beautiful wild horses. The neighbors became excited at the farmer’s good fortune. Such lovely strong horses! The farmer said, “We will see.”

A week later the farmer’s son was thrown from one of the wild horses and broke his leg. All the neighbors were very distressed. Such bad luck! The farmer said, “We will see.”

A few days later an enemy attacked the country. The heads of the army came through the village and took every single able-bodied man to fight the battle. Only the farmer’s son, because he had a broken leg, remained. The neighbors congratulated the farmer. The farmer said, “We will see.”

The story doesn’t end because life keeps going in that way. The farmer keeps accepting whatever comes without judging it and he stays in his clear mind. He could also simply say, “That is sad or “It will be more difficult to plant crops now.” He knows that each event is part of a whole and he doesn’t really know the overall result. Most events have outcomes we desire and outcomes that we don’t want.

Not only do judgments cloud your thinking, they also keep your emotions going up and down in reaction to normal life events. No one’s life is all positive or all negative.

Judgments interfere with problem solving and emotional relief by limiting the options you consider. Sometimes when you are upset it is because there is a problem we need to solve. Let’s say that you have a disagreement with your best friend. You loaned her a jacket that you had worn only a few times. Then you decide that you want the jacket back to wear the next day. She says she can’t get the jacket back to you until the weekend because she is working. You judge her. You decide she is the most selfish, irresponsible, friend ever, and that she always makes it all about her. You are through with her. So you become emotionally overwhelmed, blow up and pull away from her. When you judge someone, there is no room for change or compromise or problem solving. No options are considered and a relationship is damaged or maybe lost.

Negative judgments, particularly negative self-judgments, discourage you and make it difficult to achieve goals. There’s a reason cheerleaders at a football game are shouting “Go Team.” Can you imagine cheerleaders saying, “Forget it, you losers?” That would not help you work hard at solving problems.

Judgmental thinking is learned and can be changed

Whatever we practice we get better at. The more you think in a judgmental way, the more automatic that way of thinking becomes. When you practice being nonjudgmental, you become less judgmental. This is one of the reasons that being nonjudgmental with situations that don’t seem to matter is important. It is practice for the big situations when being judgmental could escalate your emotions in a big way.

The brain tends to have automatic ways of responding, well-worn paths that are our habits. Whatever we practice becomes an automatic way of responding. Most of us use judgmental language every day and sometimes it doesn’t really have major consequences that we notice. But it means we are more likely to react with judgments when it does matter.

Grandfather Tells
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves” inside us all.
One is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other lives in harmony with all around him. This wolf is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute, then asked, “Which one wins, Grandfather?”
The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, “The one I feed.”

What we do and pay attention to tends to grow and be more of a habit and more of an automatic way of responding. That means that the more you practice not judging, the less judgmental you will be.

Self-Judgments

Many of you may judge yourselves harshly. Perhaps you call yourself names or judge yourself as a horrible person when you don’t succeed at something or when others are upset with you. When you think about it, what is the reason for that? Is it because you are scared or disappointed? Sometimes if you get angry with yourself, maybe you think it will help others be less angry with you. Maybe you hate being out of control of your emotions so you hate yourself.

Being human, being part of the human race, means you will make mistakes and you will do things you wish you hadn’t. If you are emotionally sensitive, then you will react emotionally when you wish you didn’t and you will feel things more intensely than others. That can be a challenge. Perhaps you struggle with anxiety or depression. That is a huge challenge, one that many won’t understand. And many people will understand.

How would you advise a friend to look at her struggles? Most likely you would be compassionate, know that she is doing the best she can, and advise her to learn from her experiences and move forward. Saying mean things to your friend would not be helpful and its not helpful to say harsh things to yourself either. It really doesn’t help you change your behavior and in fact could likely get in your way.

Consider looking more closely at the reasons you are judging yourself. Could you be applying black and white thinking to yourself? If so, then your view of yourself is not accurate. Maybe you tend to be perfectionistic. If so, then whatever is not perfect will seem like an unacceptable flaw. Did you learn to invalidate yourself from other people? Then you will automatically judge your internal experience as well as your behaviors as unacceptable.

Most likely you judge yourself as a person rather than your actions. For example, you probably say you are a loser when you didn’t pass a test, instead of saying you wish you had spent more time studying. One behavior doesn’t make the total person. It’s like a small spot on an apple doesn’t mean it is inedible. In fact, often the imperfections create beauty. In all of nature, there is no perfection without flaws yet nature is perfect. So are you. You are perfect as you are and you are working on improving different aspects of yourself.

Ways to Practice Letting Go of Judgments

1. Be mindful of making judgments of yourself and others.
Count them.
Label them.
Ask others to gently point them out to you.
Look for judgmental words and then change your wording:
Always
Never
Any negative name-calling such as “stupid”
Better, best and other comparative words
Watch for thinking in black and white terms and for “feeling” judgmental

2. Commit to stopping your judging. Make a full-hearted commitment and keep recommitting. It takes time.

3. State preferences as preferences. This would mean you say “I like chocolate ice cream better than vanilla,” rather than “Chocolate is better than vanilla.” Be aware of what is a preference or an opinion and state it accurately.

4. Watch your words. Use words that are precise and specific.
“I think it is the best job for me.” It might not be the best job for everyone. Words are important and affect how we view the world. If you say someone is the best, then that implies that others are not as good.

5. Just notice and let go. When you notice a judgmental thought, just notice it, label it, and let it go.

6. Assume good intentions.
If you assume others are against you then you will judge their actions differently than if you assume others are doing the best that they can.

7. Recognize punishment doesn’t work. Punishing yourself of others by calling names or other harsh actions is not an effective way to change behavior.

8. Make statements of fact with accurate expression of emotion.

9. Accept that sometimes you don’t know. When you call a friend and they don’t call back, you don’t really now the reason. Don’t assume they are stuck up or some other negative trait.

10. Express admiration of others and goals for yourself.When you notice yourself being envious of others, focus on what you can do to reach your own goals.

11. Give up black and white thinking. Black and white thinking is a form of judging. When you find yourself thinking in negative ways, push yourself to remember the positive. When you think in all positive ways, push yourself to remember the imperfect. The goal is to balance your thinking.

12.Practice Self-compassion.
Change isn’t easy. All human beings are flawed and we all make mistakes,so be gentle with yourself. Learn to embrace mistakes.

Worksheet

Complete the following questions.

1. How do judgments affect your life?

2. How are judgments useful to you? Harmful?

3. What are the reasons that you think it is important for you to stop judging (or not)?

4. What is the difference between judging and stating a fact or stating a preference?

5. How can you be more aware of making judgments?

6. Practice Statements. Reword these statements so they are not emotional judgments.

a. That is a horrible shade of red.

b. I am such a klutz!

c. I’m smarter than anyone in that place.

d. I am such a loser, I never do anything right.

e. He is so mean to me, he is just a total jerk.

4. Restate these judgmental statements.
a. I’m so stupid, I never pay attention, I can’t believe I keep making the same stupid mistake over and over.
(On her first date with someone she spilled her drink all over his shirt.

b. She’s out to get me. She’s so unfair, she hates me and she just wants to fire me.
(The boss corrected a typo on a report, butthere may be more—get the context.)

c. What a loser. I screw everything up. (The person thinking this didn’t feel like keeping lunch plans she made with her friend. It’s happened before and her friend was angry.)

d. You’re a lousy teacher. I can’t believe you have a job.
(The student did not understand the homework and got a bad grade)

Letting Go of Judgments Handout

1. Be mindful of making judgments.
Count them.
Label them.
Ask others to gently point them out to you.
Look for judgmental words and then change your wording:
Always
Never
Any negative name-calling such as “stupid”
Better, best and other comparative words
Watch for thinking in black and white terms and for “feeling” judgmental

2. Commit to stopping your judging. Decide one way you will practice letting go of judgments. Track your progress.

3. Replace judgments with alternatives. Try some of the below suggestions:

A. State preferences as preferences: I like chocolate ice cream better than vanilla rather than chocolate is better than vanilla

B. Watch your words, try to use words that are more precise and specific. Instead of “It is the best job” say “It seems to be the best job for me.” Words are important and affect how we view the world.

C. Just notice the judgment and let go. It is normal to have judgmental thoughts.

D. Know your intentions and assume good intentions of others

E. Assume others have good intentions. If you assume others are against you then you will judge their actions differently than if you assume others are doing the best that they can.

F. If you use self-judgment as a form of punishment, recognize punishment is not the best motivator and doesn’t work without reinforcement
G. Make statements of fact with accurate expression of emotion

H. Accept that you don’t know and that others perceive reality differently

I. Express admiration of others and goals for yourself

J. Self-compassion
Problem solving isn’t easy
Learn to embrace being human. We make mistakes.
Don’t judge your judging

4. Remember that change is difficult. Letting go of judgments is a practice, one that you keep doing over and over.

cc2015: DBTWise.  Please do not copy or distribute without written permission.